Homeless

Just a fairly short blog post this week, following on from the last one. (Actually, not that short in the end and rather self revealing. All about being an anagarika which wasn’t entirely where I thought I was going). Perhaps a little niche in its appeal but hey ho, here we go!

Last week I was still at Adhisthana leading the Anagarika Convention. I have been giving a lot of thought as to why it is important for me to practice as an anagarika. The word literally means homeless. Of course we all live somewhere - it’s not like in the days of the Buddha when there were forest dwellers. It is more about being unattached - so the practice of celibacy is the central practice, leading to being homeless in the sense of not having sexual, romantic relationships. It feels to me like a calling, not just an absence. Many people are single and happily so, not seeking a relationship. Many Order members practice celibacy for longer or shorter periods of time but they don’t all decide to become anagarikas. For me, and I know from conversations with others, it feels more than that - it feels almost like a vocation, hence I describe it as a calling. 

As a child I was drawn to being a Catholic nun. I felt a longing to pray and to contemplate. However I had trouble with God - ie I couldn’t believe in a creator, all knowing, all powerful deity. That is definitely a hindrance in becoming a nun. A hindrance even in being a catholic practitioner, God being a pretty central part of it all. This often surprises people who see me as incredibly extrovert and, even you might say, worldly. I certainly let go of my nun fantasies as a teenager and I discovered the proverbial sex, drugs and rock and roll. It was, after all, the late 60s and the 70s. And I embraced the lifestyle with great gusto I might say. But there has always been a sense of something more, something beyond, something liminal. I read the Tarot, I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead while tripping on LSD. On finding the Dharma, I realised that I could have transcendence without a deity figure. I could find the still, silent voice in me within the world of activity, even activism.

People don’t associate me with renunciation. They probably think of me as quite political, quite worldly in my approach. I’m asked about this sometimes, even challenged. Renunciation would seem to be very Theravadin and I am an avowed Mahayanist. The Bodhisattva Ideal has been my Northern Star, my driving force, my deepest inspiration since I first stumbled through the door of the Triratna centre in Glasgow in 1977. Some people in our Order might think that being an anagarika is a different Path than the Path of the Bodhisattva but not for me. I feel that taking the anagarika precept and vow allows me the freedom to tread the Bodhisattva Path.

I never used to think that and then I had a realisation while leading study on Tsongkhapa’s text the three chief paths in Spain in 2001 or thereabouts. Tsongkhapa was an influential Tibetan Buddhist monk, philosopher and tantric yogi, whose activities led to the formation of the Gelug school of Tibetan Buddhism. So, very much the Mahayana. 

The three Paths that he teaches are the path of Renunciation, of Bodhichitta and of Insight into conditioned existence. It was like a light bulb going on for me and I realised that one can’t be a Bodhisattva without renunciation. To generate the mind and heart of a Bodhisattva, according to Tsongkhapa, one needs to renounce the mental poisons that flood the mind. One needs to renounce the clinging to a non existent self. As an Anagarika I feel that my practice of the mind precepts has deepened and I have a new understanding of them. I see it as a deepening of my practice not just of the third precept but also the mind ones, especially the 8th. That is the precept of abandoning covetousness for tranquility, I purify my mind. I recognised that I am trapped inside the net of ego attitude and I saw very clearly that, while it might not be true for others, for me the path of renunciation is necessary. 

This came home to me strongly in my response to Bush’s response to the destruction of the Twin Towers in 2001. The act itself was, of course, an atrocity but his response was, I thought, a call for world war 3. It was the ‘axis of evil’ speech and I watched it live. It was, if I remember, around 3am for me watching in Spain. I immediately wanted to go out, find a club open, look for cocaine and probably sex. Then I realised how conditioned and fear driven that response really was. Was this truly how I wanted to face the end of the world? Oblivion and hedonistic denial? I sat in front of my shrine and the thought of becoming an anagarika deepened. I’d flirted with the idea before but, at that moment, it became a certainty not just an idea. I wanted to dedicate myself to overcoming those responses of fear and hatred. So, a worldly response to a very worldly and political event was a driver in my deciding that renunciation was crucial and the way, for me, to walk the Bodhisattva Path with authenticity. 

Oh well, this wasn’t as short as I expected and has been rather more self revealing than some of my posts. Thanks for indulging me - if you are still reading I thank you. I wanted to share something personal and people sometimes ask me why I wear a saffron kesa.  Hopefully that fills it out a bit.